| Then, before you know it, summer is here. Ice cream trucks,
rock concerts, AA meetings, outdoor barbeques and insects. Oh, don't get me started on insects! I must have spent half my
summer last year chasing away flies of all shapes and sizes from my home. Geez!
This eventually leads to autumn - the changing of the leaves, some final outdoor barbeques, bail hearings,
Canadian Bulldog's birthday, et cetera. And this, of course, leads to winter, full of snowy weather, Xtreme Bowling™,
Merry Christmases and indoor barbeques. Before you know it, we're at spring again, and that is that.
Well, that about does it for this week. Remember, if you heard it here first, it's…
Oh, wait. I was trying to make a point before, wasn't I? Right -- the time of year. Winter is finally starting
to fade away, paving the way for… STOP DOING THAT!!!
I'm just trying to set up the 2006 World Wrestling Federtainment Incorporated Corporation Hall of Fame nominees.
And because you morons can't leave well enough alone - now you don't even get a proper introduction to the segment!
One final note before I begin looking at YOUR WWE 2006 Hall O' Famer nominees: This company is seriously overlooking
some natural inductees for future years. I ask, nay DEMAND, that Vince himself nominate the following people within the next
five business days:
· Samoan Seeka
· Junk Yard Doug
· Brooklyn Basher Vince Lombardi
· SHNITSKY!!!
· Bert Reynolds (CELEBRITY WING)
· The Allllllllllllllllllltimate
Worrier
· Samoan Joe
And now, onto this year's so-called "legends":
Name: "Sensational" Sherry Martell
Hometown: One of them Southern States
Weight: Yes
Championships
Held: WWF Girls Title; AWA Girls Title; Probably something from GLOW or WOW or KAPOW, too.
Finishing Maneuver: Flying Slap
Quote:
"There's plenty of me to go around, boys!"
Who can forget Sensational Sherry's accomplishments to this great phony sport of ours? Well, I can
forget, which is why I probably used the wrong photo here.
According to reliable sources, Sherry was the only Girls champion (during her reign) NOT to appear in a nudie magazine, such as Playboy, Hustler, Skank
Monthly, or NWA T&A (National Wrestling Tits and Ass). She may have appeared in Maxim or Smooth Magazine or one of them
"pretend" nudie magazines, but really, who reads that crap? Besides for the articles, that is.
She was known as "Sensational" Sherry to some, "Scary" Sherry to Brutus The Beefcake, "Sensuous" Sherry
to others, "Sister" Sherry among others, and also "Sexy" Sherry, "Slimy" Sherry and "Super Orange Juice Lady" Sherry in Japan.
She managed the careers of several key players, including "Playguy" Buddy Rose, Randy "Matzoh Man"
Sewage, "Millionaire Man" Teddy Beassey, "Nature Guy" Ricky Flare, "Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels
and Harlem Heat 2000. Hey - look at that: Sherry and least two of her former clients are mentioned in this here book. How's about that?
Name: Verne Gagnon
Hometown: Minnesota,
Minneapolis
Weight: 240 kilos
Championships Held: AWA World Title (217 times)
Finishing Maneuver: Rug burn
Quote: "I'm just a cranky old man!"
Whenever the definitive book on WWE's Hall of Fame is written, Verne Gagnon will probably be in it
somewhere.
Gagnon first gained fame by winning a bunch of olden-day amateur belts and then he bought the old AWA territory
and put himself over all of the era's top stars such as Nick Bockelwinkel, "The Model" Rick Mantel, That
Fat Polish Guy and Verne's Punk-Ass Kid.
After Verne retired, he went on to play the role of cranky old commissioner and trainer in the AWA, refusing
to let Commissioner Slaughter, Hal Kogan and other babyfaces win the top titles.
He also played "Verne" in the art-house film classic "All Holds Barred", but because that's an inside joke
that only three people will understand - it's a story for another day.
Name: "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera
Hometown: Tijuana, Mexico
Weight: Unknown
Championships
Held: None
Finishing Maneuver: Five Star Frog Splash/The
Three Calballeros/Cheating
Quote: "Hey yo!"
You have to feel bad for Eddie Guerrera. The poor guy passed away just six short months before he was
scheduled to move into the Hall of Fame. Sad.
Yet for most of us, we'll remember the good times of Guerrera's life. For example, when he and brother Chavito
Guerrera Jr. sprayed The Best Show with a hose full of mud. Or the time he was finally reunited with his adopted
son Dominic.
Tragically, the life of one of wrestling's most beloved, talented and charismatic superstars came to an end
last year after Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! killed him. At least I think he did; I often have trouble distinguishing
between fact and WWE storylines.
In any event, here's hoping that Eddie's induction will be presented in the classy, sensitive manner we're
used to seeing from figurehead WWE president Vince MacMahon.
Name: Brent "Hate Man" Heart
Hometown:
CANADA (WOOT~!)
Weight: No, you wait!
Championships
Held: Definitely
Finishing Maneuver: The Scrapshooter
Quote: "Vince MacMahon screwed me in Montreal, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
What can be said about Brent Heart that hasn't already been said?
He's gay, for one thing. Not that that's necessarily true, it's just never been said before.
Brent (or "Bret" as he's sometimes called) grew up as one of 37 Heart Family children, all of which have wrestled,
refereed, managed, married a wrestler or sold life insurance (one of them).
Heart left his family's Calgary Stampeders promotion at an early age, and became part of the well-known Heart
Fund tag team with the often sexy Jim "The Advil" Night Hart. From there, he won the WWWF International Title about
three times, the World Title eight or nine times, the King O' The Ring, et cetera. Brent, that is; not Jim. Jim didn't do
shit-all.
After that, he took part in what will be forever known as "The Montreal Snowjob." That, of course, was when
Vince MacMahon ordered Sean McMichaels to make Brent submit to his own scrapshooter during the main event! And
Brent said he didn't want to because it really hurt! And then Sean said that Jesus made him apply the submission hold!
And then Brent left for WCW, where he had the best career ever!
EVER!!!
Name: The Jack Blacks
Hometown:
Texas, probably
Weight: Combined
Championships
Held: NOTHING! Hahahaha - losers!
Finishing Maneuver:
Masked Confusion
Quote: "Yee haw!"
I'll level with you. I don't know anything about these two old fucks.
Name: "Mean" Gene Okerfeld
Hometown:
Up Vince's Ass!
Weight: Could stand to lose some
Championships
Held: 6-time Stampede Wrestling North American Heavyweight Champion; 2-time Stampede Wrestling British
Commonwealth Mid-Heavyweight Champion; 5-time Stampede Wrestling International Tag Team Champion; 2-time WCW World Heavyweight
Champion; 4-time WCW United States Heavyweight Champion; 1-time WCW World Tag Team Champion; 1-time WWC Caribbean Tag Team
Champion; 5-time WWF World Heavyweight Champion; 2-time WWF Intercontinental Champion; 2-time WWF World Tag Team Champion
Finishing Maneuver: Reverse Punch
Quote:
"Folks, a certain former World Wrestling Federation superstar is headed to greener pastures here in WCW. Who is he? Folks,
I can't talk about it here on television, but CALL ME ON THE HOTLINE! 1-900-909-9900! THAT'S 1-900-909-9900! Once again, that's
1-900-909-9900! Okay, fine, it's Battle Kat."
"Mean" Gene Okerfeld. Never have three little words meant more to the average wrestling
fan (except for maybe "Canadian Bulldog's Book").
Whether it was singing the praises of his "male companion" Hal Kogan, dancing along with Cocoa Beware
and his Dumb Bird, or getting up in the grill of jerks like The Iran Shiek, Nature Guy Ricky Flare or
Pyrofalkon, one thing was always a constant: "Mean" Gene would never shut the fuck up.
He'd been there with us since the early days of the AWA, then over to the WWF (and that damned cartoon show,
where he'd always pop up out of nowhere when Hulk and his buddies were in trouble), then to WCW, then the XWF (NO PRIMADONNAS
ALLOWED!) and eventually, over to the upstart "WWE" promotion where hosted their late-night "Confidential" program. Anyone
out there remember his closing remarks from that show?
"Remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes." Also, "CALL ME ON THE HOTLINE!!!" | 
